making plans

[gzarnke]

Hi all,

I have not been posting for awhile but things are getting better with my son.  He is talking about getting his drivers liecsen and said he is not interested in going back to school next fall but getting a job! 

It will be 2 years this may 29th he had his accident and knowing my son i should have known that he has his own time line and needs his space, always did like being alone. He still will not go anywhere but i am fine with that as he is just giving himself the time he needs to deal with his new life.  I am still hoping that he will find love and contentment in his life and i am sure he will, he just needs to find that out yet.

One thing he has done is he is just accepting that he can not walk and not even thinking about any course of action to do more about his situation.  I really do beleive that in his life they will have a way to fix the spinal cord.

Next thing he will want to move out, i will have a hard time with that, he is my baby after all and i will have an empty house! Ha, ha.  I am very happy for him that he is making plans.

Gzarnke

[Gary Anderson]

Gzarnke

Great news! Accpetance is the last and final part of the jigsaw and the hardest one to place I think.

Don't worry about him moving out. I did that too but circumstances took over and I ended up moving back in!

I too keep hoping for love, however, for now I have the contentment and I have left the love aside. It's not the finding it that is the problem it is keeping it and trying to find someone who will accept me warts and all. So far, only one person outside the family has done that and without them, I would not be writing this.

Stay in touch and keep us posted.

[cate]

Hi Gzarnke
I did wonder how things were going, Glad to hear the news about your son. hope things continue to  go forward.  The love thing I am not sure about, my daughter who can walk  seems not to have much luck that way, makes me fill quiet sad. but she gets on with life, that is the main thing.
Cate

[gzarnke]

Thanks for the good cheer.  I have been checking in but not posting very much so I guess i lost touch with a few of you.  It sounds like everyone is getting along. 

there are so many new people here that it is hard to keep up with if you do not check in once in awhile.  I am feeling so much more positive these days and you have helped me to get there.

love to you both,

gzarnke

[Jilly]

Its fantastic that he is moving ahead!
He will get out and about in his own good time. Once he gets to drive and a job he will feel waaayy better about himself and off he will go!

My own girls have begun to plan their futures and are talking of moving out in a year or so. All the other parents I have talked to about this say its WONDERFUL when they do!

[Catucci]

Hiya Gzarnke

Just read your post and I'm really pleased your son's getting to grips with things.  Getting a driving licence will open his world up I'm pretty sure of that.  It'll be a huge dose of independence for him so good luck with all that.

Lotsa love xx Cat xx

[wheels5894]

Yep, me too. once he gets about a bit he will see what there is going and, also, that people re only to happy to help out and make adjustments so he can join in. I sing in various choirs and they are always happy to make things easy for me.

[gzarnke]

I am so happy for him that he is ready to make a move in joining the outside world again.  I think if he stays open minded and lets others in he will be fine.  He really does not open up too easy so this may well be a struggle for some time yet.  But as you say he is on his way!

Cat it is so good to hear from you and wheels, well all of you!  We have come along way over here and I have talked so open with all of you, things i would never tell anyone.  I guess that is the purpose of this forum, keeping things private from others who do not understand.

maybe someday my son will check out the forums and find the support they offer.

Hey take care all of you

[Catucci]

Hiya Gzarnke

I've PM'd you.

xx Cat xx

[Helen928]

Hi gzarnke,

I am new here and have read several of your posts.  I have a son that will be 39 on March 22, 2008.  He is a quadraplegic and lives in his own home with caregivers.  He has been much the way you describe your son. He tried suicide and ended up this way.  It happened in 2002.

He spends about half a year in the VA Hospital in Seattle and the rest at home or in the local hospital.  He gets very good care at home now but it took quite a while to get everything in place that he needs to be able to stay at home.

Right now he is being very negative, is depressed severely, & doesn't want to hear anything about his daily care. He has been homebound all winter because he won't utilize the handicapped bus to go do shopping or to see the doc unless pressured by his private caregiver.

He has caregivers from an agency and also the private caregiver that the VA pays to do the necessary care that the other caregivers aren't allowed to do.

I just thought I would touch base with you since I really have no one to talk with except my other kids & my husband.  We all have a different way of dealing with all of it.  Our oldest daughter is a lawyer and lives in Seattle where Eric goes to the VA so she is his advocate there.  I do help with some of his personal care when an emergent situation comes up...like his colostomy is unscheduled...so never know when I need to change it.

He has had several surgeries and now has very little skin left to do any more surgery for his bottom.  He has another bedsore...did not continue with the plan to lay down on his bed every afternoon to help prevent this.
He would not talk about it with me but finally told me on Sunday...his private caregiver had already told me but I generally wait until he is ready to talk with me about things.

I think this is the last chance he has to be home and if he goes back to the VA Hospital they will not agree for him to live on his own anymore...he was treated for depression when he was in the Navy and after he got out so is eligible for help from the VA.  He gets everything possible that he needs and still it is such a hard place for him to be in.  He even isolates from us.  He doesn't want to "visit"  or talk about "it" so I just go see him when he asks me to.  We do talk on the phone and we get his mail here but now he has the caregivers come get it instead of having me come with it.

I feel like an unwanted MOM but he always tells me he Loves Me....so have to accept that.

I need to go for a walk....take my dog for a walk I should say....she loves it and it does get me outside.  My husband takes his dog at a different time because they are impossible together...I have a little terrier and he has an Airedale....we have so much fun with them.  They are comforting for us too.   

Helen

[cate]

Hi Helen
Thinks must look quiet bleak at times, but you are doing your best.  So keep that thought with you.  when your children are adults they must do things their own way, even if it is doing nothing.
Enjoy taking your dog out, shame the two dogs do not get on, it is very theraputic walking  and having them around.  My daughter has a german shepherd dog, She cannot exercise her now, as she walks slowly with her crutches, ,the dog thinks she is going bckwards.  So my husband goes everyday and exercises her, but my daughter misses that so much.  Says when this dog eventually passes away( which we hope is not yet). but she is 12 years.  She will next time get a smaller dog that she can handle. as of course her other fear is that the dog could pull her over, if something distracted her on a walk.
but she is such good company for her.  Sorry I have wafffled on a bit.
Hope things soon get a little better for you
Cate

[Helen928]

Hi Cate,

Our two dogs do get along very good...just one is trained to walk with my husband on his crutches and that is the airedale.  My little terrier is too busy but does sit when I tell her to...so am making progress with her.  They both play fight each other and chase each other and run around the outer edge of the yard like it is a race track.   

I love having the little dog.  She is very special to me.  We are getting soft in our old age....let the dogs have the run of the house except for our bedroom.  Both are potty trained so do not have problems....they do like to get into the trash baskets if we leave them in the house alone while we get groceries.   

It is too hot some of the summer and too cold some of the winter to leave them out very long.

My son is not talking much these days.  He didn't have his sons this weekend so they came to stay with us.  They do some work for us and like to do things with Grandpa.   

We had a quiet Easter...have had so many holiday's through-out our lives....so are lazy these days.  We have one Grandson that is six...the rest are adults except for the two teenagers...my son's boys.  We get the littlest one an Easter Basket from the Bunny and this year we got him a baseball bat.  He is into sports already. Is in wrestling now...one first place this Saturday at a meet.  Pretty good for a kindergarten kid.   

Thanks for the reply...looks like some of the sites are pretty sow these days...but many are busy keeping going with their lives.   

Helen

[gzarnke]

Well here I am again.  I just do not know what to do.  Most of you are making plans and living a life outside of your homes or your loved ones are trying to.  I keep hoping that my son will and I get myself all pumped up for him and then, nothing, nothing happens, he just is not interested.

I do not mean to make this all seem about how I feel, I just do not know what to do to help him get motivated. I was so excited to think he was ready to start going out and I looked up info. on scooters so he could get around out in the woods around our place and in the yard better.  He just threw the info. I printed out away and said he would never have an electric wheelchair. 

I don't care if he has a scooter, I just want him to go out to a movie or something, he loves the movies.  Maybe it is ok for him to spend the next 2 years at home yet, I guess his life is what he makes it and I should just be there and accept it.
It is so hard to do.

I want to do the right thing but I do not know what that is.  He gets so mad if I talk about anything, I don't know if he checks out any forums or chat rooms for sci's.  It would be so good for him to at least read what others say and find out more information.

I just do not know, I do not want to push him too much and I do not want to baby him too much. I know this is his life and I really do not know what he is going through, but I do have some idea as I love him so much.

Am I whining, I do not mean to, I am just so, I don't know, I just want the best for him.

gzarnke

[Gary Anderson]

Gzarnke

No, you are not whining. I was like that too - for more than 2 years I can tell you. As a Mother you can only do so much. My Mum felt she was smothering rather than Mothering so took a huge step back. It did not work. I am afraid your son will only do what he wants to do when he feels he can. If you can undersatnd that. You can lead a horse to water but cannot make it drink.

2 years after injury is not very long. What he must do now is ACCEPT the injury; That takes longer.

Give it time - he will come round in the end.

[cate]

Hi Gznarke.  You are doing your best. Do not beat yourself up, Take a step back, and let him just get on with things. (Hard I know,) but think of yourself. I know you have more family, as your daughter got married not so long ago.  How about giving them your time, and let your son realise he is not the centre of the universe. I know it is tough, depression is hard to deal with, but he will emerge when he is ready. regardless of what you are doing.  How is the rest of your family with all of this,
Keep chatting to us, maybe it will help
Cate

[gzarnke]

Thanks gary & cate,  you mean so much to me.  I do understand that he has to do it on his own, it just really is so hard.  I know that if he had the support of his best friend and had his friends here it would make a difference.

This past month his sister and her husband have been here on the week-ends for cook-outs and spent more time with him and I could see a big difference  in him.  My daughter has not really had much time to spend with her brother as she was still in college and now is working all day and teaching dance 3 nights a week.  She is having a hard time also but if she was here for him it would help.

I think that my son has had a set back as he learned his so called best friend is moving out of town with a girl that they had both liked, that is a long story!!!  My son's friend was at the hospital almost everyday then the week he came home  he stopped coming over and told him this girl hated him and they had a big fight, and no more friend.

My son was so weak and sick when he came home I just can not understand someone being so cruel to someone, it makes me so mad and sick inside.

My husband is here and he has started to turn wood bowls on an old lathe as a hobby so he is down stairs by my son alot.  They don't have to talk but that way our son is not alone.  My husband does not deal with anything very well but he does what he can.

I did go to the dance program this week-end on Saturday & Sunday so I did not see my son but for a few minutes.  I love dance and I always helped back stage for the show.  There were 4 shows over the week-end but I made 2 of them due to my work schedule.  It was nice to see my dance family and all the kids!  I love it all, I did not do much but visit and watch the show from back stage!  It was a nice treat.

My daughter still dances and she was in 2 numbers, a modern piece with the owner and a real jazzy number with the other teachers.  My daughter teaches tap, not her favorite but everyone loves her tap numbers so she has many students asking for private lessions for tap! 

If she had not gotten married she would have joined a moden or ballet company as she is very good. I guess I do push my kids some what.  I push myself, not enough I think, I have never gotten a degree in anything.  Well my family comes first to me no matter what.

Cate I feel better, I did feel out of sorts around all my old friends they all care but they are all so busy and moving on with life that I some how feel like I am standing by and watching and I am out of pace  with the world. I just do not find the joy in things so much. 

this is getting very long and I have cleaning and shopping to do and really should go.  I will be back.

gzarnke