Intimacy Help

[ann]

Ok another question, if there are ladies out there that have stuck it out with their man after a spinal cord injury maybe you can help  . Guys you can give me your input (no point intended) LOL.

For those who read my initial story Husband now incomplete, he's coming home. He has gone  to the dr to get his pills   for the intimacy. Now he has an ostomy bag, he has no feeling, have anyone experience this? I'm like where do you put the bag as it is on his hip, what happens when a spasm take place during that time. I feel like it's not going to be good for me now because he's just going to what lay there   I don't know what to expect, and it's almost like i'm not interested in the intimacy part just yet with him. I'm like let's get the initial shock of living with this new handicap over first. Can someone enlighten me on their experience without too much details  .

[Gary Anderson]

Hi Ann

Well! I did not expect a post like this when I logged on.

Let's just say that because of a traumatic head injury, for me the full thing has had to go by the wayside due to the build up of blood pressure at the point of intimacy. Anyroads, as it is such a delicate subject and I have not intentions of laying myself wide open to a forum, I shall once I come off here send you a PM.

Don't apologise for raising the subject it is only natural that you have questions.
I just hope you get completely honest answers - you know what us men are like!

[Catucci]

Hi Ann

My hubby Nico, is T6 complete since August 2005.  He came home after 9 months hospital stay and here we are.  Personally I think you've got a lot of adjusting to get used to just by him coming home and you can't do everything all at once!  It'll take some time to get a routine going just for daily things so don't put any demands on yourself regarding the "intimacy" thing. 

Me and Nico found the pills didn't cut it for us, it makes it physically possible but we found without the actual feeling it was a bit pointless so we opted for "other" ways.  For us, being close with cuddles, caressing etc etc is just as fulfilling as the traditional that was.

You'll know if you want to try things and it's a mutual thing so there's no point with one willing and one not willing.  Being truthful to yourself and hubby will get you through it, and talking about stuff between yourselves will probably be the best therapy you can have, don't worry.  You are both going through MASSIVE life changing circumstances so well done and keep it up (sorry, couldn't help it LOL!)!!!!

xx Cat xx

[ann]

thanks for the response. I'm ok with not having it right now and the cuddling and all that is fine with me, I think me trying to bring the subject up to him is the hardest. I did state to him I don't think it will be fun for me... but i dont' think he caught on. and i have ways of things coming out and not meaning the way it do but i'm usually straight forward with how i  fill now i feel like i have to walk on pins and needles because i don't want to hurt feelings. I do feel there's other things we need to adjust to other then intimacy, but a man and his ego and especially when it comes to his manhood it's kind of hard to talk to them.LOL. i'm just taking it day by day and try to talk to him bit by bit. I'm also not comfortable with him talking any pills especially that, i told him how do he know he's not  allergic to them or may have problems you never used them before, and too much medication mixing i'm not for that at all. Then i hear those pills can cause heart attacks so i don't know 

[Gary Anderson]

Ann

Wearing my doctor's hat now - I have to agree. Those "pills" that you refer to can cause loads of problems.

I have recently changed my job and am now based in a general practitioners. The other day we had a guy come in who was in complete agony. He had taken "Viagra" and basically although he managed to "rise to the occasion" he could not go back down again!

In addition, they can cause heart attacks - and there is documented medical proof of this.

I am a great believer in not "tampering with nature." Believe you me, once out of hospital your hubby will have a great deal of re-adjustment to do and doing "it" will probably be farthest from his mind.

At just a few weeks off 50 and having had a marriage and a long term relationship break up during my lifespan, I too have learned that "it" is not important. It is not the be all and end all of a relationship. Ignore man's ego Ann, they say women don't understand men and men don't understand women. Believe you me, intimacly will fit in to your schedule as and when your hubby feels he can cope with it.

It is my own opinion that far too much pressure is placed on everyone for "it" these days. Like having children and the other things we do in everyday life - it is different things for different people.

My best made is a complete quad and him and his wife have settled into a nice little routine, him, her and the carers they require. Both of them tell me that they are intimate without "going all the way." They are both happy and say that despite the pressures on them by others to have a family, they do not want to go down the road of having children. Why? Because the intimacy that has arisen from being unable to to do "it" naturally has in fact brought them closer together. So, you see, out of darkness there is light.

Just do what you feel comfortable with and take it a day at a time Ann. Don't run before you can walk as my Gran used to say.

This is probably not the answer you are looking for but my advice is stay away fromthe pills. Even if I were not a doctor, I would avoid these things, they are only artificial stimulants and cannot bring back "feeling."

[ann]

t hanks Gary!!! I personally don't care for the pills, and I will make sure my husband read this. I think he don't need no more problems due to any type of drugs. I'm not stressed over it but he i think seems to be.  And i think him reading these feedbacks will help open the doors of communication for the both of us on this subject and he understands my feelings toward the intimacy part. It's not that i don't want to be with him but all the other concerns and problems that will come after a few minutes of pleasure  . So thanks to you all for your feedback!

[Lieveling]

Hi Ann,
well done on broaching this subject - it's a very personal one and everyone lives it differently and so long as the people involved are happy and consenting then it's easier.
I agree with Gary when he says there's far too much emphasis on "it", having "it", doing "it". My partner is in rehabilitation nearly 12 months since his accident. He is still an in-patient but comes home once a week on weekends. This is prime time for us and we do exactly what we want together.
It has certainly helped that we were very intimate before so it's very fulfilling now. But we didn't focus on this - we just let it happen. We didn't really need to talk about it too much either -obviously some things need to be discussed but I feel intimacy issues are better lived rather than possibly talking yourself out of them. So don't be surprised if it's not high on the agenda; there are for the moment other more pressing issues to deal with. For example it's important that you both feel safe, secure and happy together again. Then the intimacy will come to the fore. Little steps each time, patience, love and understanding go a long way to creating a wonderful mutually pleasurable relationship.
Sounds like you have that already and that's wonderful in itself.
Best of luck!

[ann]

thanks everyone for your reply.. well he's home!!!      all those faces was my emotions on yesterday when he came home. we made it through the first night this is the second night. was a little rough, but we manged. we have the stair lift in the house so using that was interesting but wasn't bad, just a little more practice with moving from that chair to the wheel chair. we are waiting for the slide board to come so that would help out a lot. but i told him to relax and take his time, and let's get a routine going so things can flow easy for the both of us  . but my question now is we have the bed rail which is kind of a pain, because you can't lower it, only put it all the way down, and it sits up kind of high, he's managing  reaching over to get what he needs but it would better if he was able to lower it, but the problem is our bed don't have the headboard we had one with the mirror it broke when we moved it and never replaced it, so what else can we use to help him pull himself up to sit up in the bed good now that we don't have a headboard or do i need to go and get a new one now? 

[ann]

oh and BTW i did talk to him about the pills, he said it's not viagra, but i told him i think we need to focus on relearning a new life we now have  at this time. i'm sure he didn't want to here that but i'm so worry about him taking that pill and it throw something off and he's back in the hospital. so i agree day by day i'm fine with that.

[Gary Anderson]

Hi Ann

Great to hear hubby is home.
My memory is not too good these days so I cannot remember what was wrong with hubby, I am guessing he is a paraplegic?

Well, you can get a piece of equipment like a rope ladder that goes under the matress and lies on top of the bed covers. Hubby holds the handle and pulls himself up with that. If his arms are strong, he should be able to do it no bother.

I don't have a bed rail on my bed - after 20 odd years of practice, I just put my hand between the base of the bed and the matress and use that to lever myself from side to side.

Hope this helps and if you need anything else - just ask.

[Jilly]

Hi Ann,
Im glad to hear hubby is home too.
Sorry I havent posted before now to say hi but Ive had a few things going on and havent been able to be here as much as Id like.

Garry...Hubby is T6...thats right Ann isnt it?

Anyway Ann, my previous boyfriend is T5 paraplegic and we had a fabulous sex life without any medical help. I agree with the others about the pressure of doing 'it' and the best thing is to focus on being together and intimate with lots of touching etc.

Now in saying that, I have a new man. He isnt spinally injured but had a kidney transplant 20 odd years ago. His kidney is approaching the end of its usefull life and he feels ill a lot of the time.
Because of his illness, he has a certain degree of sexual disfunction and uses viagara. He tells me he doesnt need a whole pill, but only takes a small piece of one. That way he can perform how he wants without being stuck with being uncomfortable for hours. 

That might be good info for a lot of people out there...only take part of a pill!!