I have a new idea to motivate him

[gzarnke]

Well I have been thinking about this as my son keeps on coming up with reasons why he can not go anywhere or do anything.  He will not try anything to help himself get better as far as pain or bladder issues, he does keep saying he wants to have his own place.

I think I should help him find a place and then he will have to do more for himself and maybe he will feel better about  himself ,more independent,  and it will get him to try rehab therapy again.

I know it is only 2 years but he just does not beleive he can do anything and that is so not true, and I keep telling him about the forums on the internet and he says he does not want to talk to anyone.  I told him he can just read them and he will get more ideas. He says he looked at them 2 years ago so what can have changed???

Well what do you guys think?  Do you think it is a good idea to get my son into his own place, he is 23 now and T9-T10

It would be close enough to us so we could visit all the time and I would clean what he could not and do his grocery shopping as he does not drive yet either.

I don't want to stress him out but I think he needs a push, I would let him stay forever but I think he needs to be on his own.

Thanks for your feed back I really need it.

gzarnke

[Gary Anderson]

Gzarnke

On reading through this post it could have been me! My Mum & Dad had similar problems with me when I had my accident 20 years ago.

Do you really want my advice? I would not push him into a place of his own. Feeling the way your son does, putting him in a place of his own could be even more traumatising for him.

In your son's replies, I see myself. Look what happened to me. It has taken me the past 20 years and another serious accident to get where I am and believe you me every day is a constant struggle. There are so many stages to go through when you suffer serious injury - acceptance is the last one but some people never accept what happened to them. It was not that I could not accept my injury I did, it was the difference that it made to my life that tore me apart.

As regards the forums, all I can say is your son does not know what he is missing. I have made numerous online friendships on this forum and on others and at the end of the day, we all need someone.

My Mum tried similar tactics with me and to be honest, she almost pushed me over the edge. Speaking as a doctor, I fear your son has the same symptoms as myself - he is suffering from a form of depression. He is withdrawing into himself and believe you me if that is the case then to be in a place on your own is the last thing you need. I am of the opinion that he needs help - medical help. However, I can understand that he does not want rehab or anything else - he just feels life is over. That is natural. He is grieving for what he has lost. As we all know, grief hits everyone differently and it will take him time to come to terms with things. It may be that he does have to admit defeat and try medication - at the end of the day I had to bite the bullet and give in.

Sorry this may not be what you want to hear Gzarnke but it is my opinion. Having been there and walked in shoes similar to you sons - I do know what it is like. Not everyone has a brilliant life after serious injury - it is just that these are the only stories you hear because as humans, we do not want to hear about the ones who cannot be like that. I disagree. I have got my life back on track but to be honest, there is not a day goes by when something happens that I can feel the "old ways" coming back. I have to fight them all the time. I call it "black dog" it creeps up on you when you are not looking.

I hope and pray you get the answers you require soon Gzarnke and sorry if this is not what you want to hear.

[gzarnke]

dear gary,

I wanted an honest answer and you are the perfect person to answer.  everything you stated is what i had in the back of my mind, would it just push him too far and isolate him.  I am glad you have shared your feelings with me as this is why i come here to talk to get the real answers i need.

I think you are right that he does need medical assistance, and as you have stated on the mark " it is not the injury he grieves it is the difference it makes in his life".   

the thing with my son is that he always did spend alot of time by himself in front of the computer and most times he is in a up beat mood, he just has no hope and that is what scares me.   I really do not want him to move as i would miss him very much we have so much fun together.

I will do my best to try and get him to see a dr.  he does have a check up in oct. i would like it sooner but that is when his dr. had his first opening! 

It was just an idea so thanks so much for you input, i don't know what i would do with out you gary.

[Gary Anderson]

Dearest Gzarnke

I am glad you did not take offence - I was thinking about you last night. I am a bit like you son - I prefer my own company and the company of close family to loads of "so called" friends.

I am a prime example though. My parents will tell you how long it was before I admitted that I had a problem. NOw that I have admitted it, I tell everyone who wil listen. That is partly why I opted out of the health service, my job as anaesthetist was too stressful, the hours too long and considering that I am disabled whether I want to admit it or not, I had to find something less stressful to do.

It will come alright in time Gzarnke. If you want I can provide my email address if you think that a one to one on the computer might help. From my experience it does. I struck up a great friendship with folks from the forum here and we "talk" every day. It helps to talk.

Love to you & your son.

[Catucci]

Hiya Gzarnke

Is he on any anti depressants at the moment?  I wonder is a little uplifter would help him.  I know a lot of people frown at those sort of drugs but in the right situation I think they can be a massive help, to help steer him towards feeling better about life.  The other thing I was wondering about is has he got any pets, dogs can be your best friend, they don't discriminate and will give endless love and devotion.  It would also be a responsibility for him to feed and excercise.  It would have to be HIS job though, not yours when he can't be bothered or not interested.  Good luck with it all and keep us updated.

LOL xX Cat Xx

[gzarnke]

Hi cat,

yes he has a pet cat that his sister gave him when he came home from the hospital.  He loves that cat and they do spend alot of time together.

He was on anti depressants but did not like them and will not go on them again.  I think it will be a matter of time yet as gary has said and I will be here for him weather he likes it or not.

gzarnke

[Lieveling]

Gzarnke,
your love and dedication to your son is truly wonderful. You are utterly amazing and I'm sure your son is grateful for this.

I have another idea - why don't you try and print out the various messages you have posted for him and the replies?
Just leave them lying somewhere without mentioning it and leave the room when he enters to see if he'll read it himself? It might be worth trying. He might also see how much you care, how much effort you put into him and that might help him to start caring for himself again.

Gary has given amazing advice (thank God for Gary). I haven't personally sustained an SCI but through my partner I have seen the grieving from the outside, it is big and can be difficult to carry and hard to figure out and takes time to work through. But your son has to work through it; just eeking out an existence is not enough for him or those who care about him. I know my partner didn't survive his accident to lead a meaningless life; he's giving it his all and reaping rewards. Though the black dog as Gary says creeps up every now and then, but hey don't we all have a black dog that creeps up - I know I do and it's not SCI related - it's life.

I truly hope that your son will independently one day - but not right now for all the reasons Gary has cited. Then he'll be ready to live with a partner - it all comes in due course but you have to put in effort for it.
Best of luck Gzarnke, I hope it works out and think about leaving some of the messages you've posted on this forum. He needs to see all the effort you make too .....
You're wonderful!

[gzarnke]

Thank you so much lieveling.  I will give it a try, printing out messages, I have in the past given some to my son but I always told him what they were.  I showed him a pictures that cat sent of her and nico, a very nice picture too i might add, but he was not too interested.  I did tell him they were my friends I met here, he acts indifferent but I think he learns from my talking about my contacts.

My love and dedication to my son is unbounding and I would give anything if it were me and not him with a sci.

I am just so worried that he will ruin his health beyound repair if he does not do somthing about his bladder.  My fear is that he will die in the next few years as he has said he will refuse any medical assistance. I  want to grab him and hold him and take away all his pain and his mental anguish. 

there is so much life for him to live and he just is so stuborn that he might ruin his chance to live.

gzarnke

[Gary Anderson]

Gzarnke

I am sending you lots of hugs & kisses 

In you I see my Mum as she had to do exactly the same thing with me. Even yet, I still need to be pushed to a certain extent. To me, reading between the lines, it sounds like your son is suffering either from some sort of mental anguish or depression. If not treated, then this will ruin his life as it very nearly ruined mine.

However, you are so right, all you can do is love him and be there for him  the rest must come from himself. As regards the refusing medication, yes, I did that too. After my most recent accident when I heard the catalogue of injuries I had amassed and added that to my already incapacitated state, I just wanted to crawl into a corner and die. Believe me, I did try.

I don't kid you on. It is not easy - even now. However, I just get through each day and thank God at the end that I managed it. You can lead a horse to water Gzarnke, but you cannot make it drink - no matter how much you want to.

Keep us posted on your son and tell him that I am in his team shouting for him.

[gzarnke]

Thanks Gary,

I asked him last night to go to a urologist and he once again said no.  Your support means so much to me and I do not ever want you to give up again.  You have given so much to all of us, you have a purpose on this earth and you have made a big difference in our lifes.

I do not think that depression is what is going on with my son as much as mental anguish and trying to make sense of his new life.  As you say Gary it takes so much time, I my self just this summer feel like a fog has lifted and I see things a bit more clearly for the first time since his accident.

I really did not realalize how much my mind had been affected until I did start to think more clearly, I think if it took me this long then my son is going to take longer and he is not thinking as clearly as he could, yet.

I do so much want him to talk to you, I will tell him once again you are here and give him your information to contact you.  I just pray he does so soon.

And Gary please know that today you are my very special person that I will have you in my thoughts all day and if I could I would be sitting with you playing cards or talking or reading or what ever it would be to help you make your day better.

your friend,
gzarnke

[Gary Anderson]

 Gee Gzarnke

I don't know what to say. I cannot find a symbol for embarrassed so can only find these:

Your post brought a tear to my eye



In return, to you and yoru family from me and mine I send you hugs and kisses

 

I have had a hellish day at work today and to long on and find that posting has cheered me up no end.

[lulaholden]

Just wondering how old your son is- this will help with the advise! I've got lots!!!

[gzarnke]

I have not been on for a week,  so I am catching up. 

My son is 23 now he was 21 at the time of his accident.
 
As he said today, he knew what he wanted to do with his life, he wanted a family, he loves children, what made him happy; now he has to start all over again making himself over.  He said he feels weak and that he will never be happy again and what does it matter. 

he knows it matters to me and his dad but other then that he feels at this point he is just going through the motions.  I told him I feel like I am just coming out of a fog and I was not the one injured so it will take time for him.

I think the starting over would be easier if he was doing something.

gz

[lulaholden]

Im a 24 year old female and I met my  BF who is a quad and he is 29. I met him after his accident... so there is someone out there for him, but he has to get out in order to find her...

[gzarnke]

I agree, he has to get out in order to see what kind of life he will have. He is still working on this change in his life and I just do not know when to push him so I am watching for days when I can talk to him about moving on.  He gets choked up on days when he will talk and on others he just gets mad at me for talking positive about his new life.

It make sense to me but I just know he would be happier if he started to do a few things out side of home.

gz

[cate]

Hi Gzanke.  I would hesitate tp offer advice on this, as I know how difficult it can be.   But after looking after mother in law who  was completely paralised from the chest down, but could use arms and hands, and she was so independant,  tried hard to do so much for herself, and when I had young children, I always felts very confident for her to keep an eye on them.    My daugher already had her own home, and no way was she going to lose that, at times after ops I have moved in with her until she got underway again,   But every case is different,   but I think also the strain on your self must be immense , Is there not a rehibilation centre  close to you, that would help him into living on his own, but under the confines of the rehab centre?  To encourage him and to see just what he can manage.   Do you think that perhaps you are treading to softly around him. 
Just a thought, has he looked at the paralympics, which is on at the moment, and these people  are amazing  with the difficulties that they have overcome and what they can do, perhaps that would open his eyes a bit.
I am sorry if this sounds uncaring, but there is a life out there and the longer it takes him to look at it, the harder it will get.
Thoughts with you and hope
Cate

[gzarnke]

Hi Cate,

That is what I haveing been wondering about, am I being too soft on him and feeding his fears by just standing by him and letting him do what he wants, nothing.  I do know that there is help out there if he wants to move.  I am sure he could manage on his own as far as cooking and cleaning if he wanted to.

I would be around to help clean or what ever and his sister and husband are very willing to be there for him also.  I think more people would visit him and he would socialize more if he had his own place also.  I think as a parent there are times when you have to push your child and they may hate you for awhile but it has to be done. 

I just really think it might be what he needs to start living again.  But the other day he told me he just has no ambitions any more and still thinks that being dead would be better.  I keep telling him that he is not dieing so he might as well live his life to the fullest that he can.  Push the limits and go as long as he can.

He is one stuborn kid and always has been hard to motivate and I just want to do the right thing.  I do not want him to think that we do not want him here as I love having him close me but that is selfish on my part.

I would watch for signs that he was getting more depressed or withdrawn and have him come home or have him get a room mate.

It is so hard to know the right thing to do, but the same thought keeps coming to my mind that he might be better off learning to take care of his own place and seeing what he can do.

Thanks cate  I am so glad you did share your thoughts with me.

Gzarnke