Romance!!??

[Jude]

I'm a "newbie" - both to the site and to SCI, so please forgive my ignorance!!...I'm trying to educate myself!!

My question is about romance and relationships, and before I'm accused of being a pervert, I'm really NOT asking about the "ins & outs"...if you'll pardon the expression!!! That's entirely YOUR business!!! I ask for genuine reasons....

Sorry to drag this up, if it's too painful. That truly isn't my intention, and I'll apologise in advance, if I've touched on the "unspeakable".

Reading through the forums, I notice that some SCI's are still with their partners from pre-injury, some aren't, and some "able bodied" have met their SCI partners post-injury.

Romance, regardless of "status" has it's problems, but I wondered if those affected felt that the break up of their marriage/romance was due directly as a result of their injury??...Was it due to mood swings, the fact that their partner or they, themselves, found it difficult to adjust...or the influences that affect any relationship??!!...

My next question goes to those who are able-bodied, and met their "amour's" post-injury. Did your partner try and put you off?? Did you worry about not being able to cope with the "care" side of things?? Did you feel you WERE fully aware of any "limitations"?? If not, what "adjustments" did you have to make??

I can't forget those affected by SCI either....Post-injury, did you question your "luurve" capacity??...I'm NOT talking "mechanics" here, but the ability to be loved (We ALL question that, regardless!) How did you feel when you DID actually meet someone?? Were you wary, sceptical...SCARED??

If you don't feel able to post in the forums, but WOULD like to comment, please feel free to message me privately. Obviously, those messages WILL remain confidential.

[Gary Anderson]

Jude

Having been a member here for ages, I have no secrets from my forum colleagues.

I was involved in a train crash around 18/19 years ago which resulted in me suffering from a cauda equina injury and the resultant damage to the neves which leave the cord at this point has left me able to walk - after a fashion.

Anyroads, at the time of the accident I was happily married, however, to cut a long story short, when the docs thought I was going to be permanently wheelchair bound my wife told me that she could not cope with me in a situation like that, so the end result was we split up and divorced.

Years later, I met another partner and thought that this "was it." I was with Suzy for ages until fate decided to step in. I was involved in a very serious accident that crippled my nephew (he died as a result of his injuries) I suffered broken limbs and serious head injuries that for a while threatened to snuff out what life I had.

The road to recovery and health (I say that tongue in cheek) was a long one. Taking its toll on everyone. Suzy was a lively young woman with hopes and dreams like everyone else. Unfortunately, her hopes and dreams were not the same as mine. the accident left me on the brink of a complete nervous breakdown, the head injuries have left me prone to headahces and mood swings such as I have never known before, it also took its toll on my already poor mobility.

Suzy wanted a family and I was earmed to be the father of her kids. However, after the accident, I can only take children in small doses. My injuries mean that I could en up losing an arm, I have lived wiht that since the accident. So, for that reason, I did not want to have children, as the toll on my partner would be immense. Coping with babies and me too.

When I told Suzy this, she decided that it was time for a "break" to let me recover. I let her go. What else could I do. If I am going to end up in a wheelchair with only one arm, then the last thing I want to do is feel that I have "trapped" my partner.

Now, I know everyone is different and I appreciate that, however, these are MY thoughts from 2 failed relationships. As a result, I have all but given up hope that at 49 someone is going to come falling out of the sky into my lap. I doubt very much taht I would marry now even if someone came along. My injuries are too complex and despite what everyone says, I would feel like I was trapping someone. I would far rather be cared for by a home carer than feel that I had trapped my partner/spouse.

I dont know if this is what you wnat to read Jude but you did ask and I will always blame getting on a train instead of a bus 19 years ago for the berak up of my marriage. At the end of the day, my wife just could not cope with the thought of having a completely disabled husband. Now, all these years later as a doctor, I can understand why. She is happily married with a family and I am glad for her.

As for Susy, It is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.

[Jilly]

As a result, I have all but given up hope that at 49 someone is going to come falling out of the sky into my lap. I doubt very much taht I would marry now even if someone came along.

What!!!!! You arent going to marry me!!!!! Waaaahhhh!!!!

Just kidding..... ;DYou poor old thing! Lol! You are just lucky you live so far away from New Zealand!!!  besides... you arent 49.... YET!!!! 

[Jude]

Gary,

thankyou for such an honest reply.

I was so sorry to hear of the tragedies that life has dealt you - you must be made of very strong stuff to have come through the other side, and still retain a sense of humour, as is evident in other posts!!

I guess life is full of "if only's", and we can all be wise after the event...but all too late, especially for those of you who have to live with the consequences, and are reminded dailly, of your injuries, both physical and emotional.

Whilst I can't even to begin to know how it must be for you, I CAN understand your reasoning re' not wanting to "trap" a loved one. However, what if they WANT to be "trapped"??!! Would you still turn them away??!!

I really MUST dig out a piece that I came across years ago, when I was studying Childcare. It was actually written by the mother of a child with Downes Syndrome, who likened the excitement of her pregnancy to a life-long ambition of going to Rome!...She'd planned for this trip for years...Dreamed of it...saved for it...and finally she boarded the plane....Imagine the excitement??!!....The plane lands, and the flight attendant announces, "Welcome to Schipol...Amsterdam"!!...How devestatingly disappointing...She WANTED to go to ROME!! She wasn't supposed to be HERE!!...However, as the shock sank in, she realised that whilst Amsterdam wasn't Rome, it did have it's good points!! It had canals and windmills, fabulous buildings, coffee shops, trams...tulips!! Amsterdam was different, but she discovered it was still a great place to be!!

Perhaps that's the same for anyone with any kind of life-changing injury/illness??

Let's hope that the skies will be filling up with eligible partners...just waiting to fall into your lap!!!!

[Gary Anderson]

However, what if they WANT to be "trapped"??!! Would you still turn them away??!!

If I got an offer from a woman on the above basis then naturally I would jump at the chance of entrapment!!!

As regards your question how do I keep on going despite what happened to me. That is an easy one to answer. In one word JILLY! Never a day goes by but she sends me a PM to see how I am. She has the talent to read between the lines of my posts and instinctively knows when I am feeling low. Like the song "she raises me up."

So, the person I am today, is all down to her doing. Bit by bit she took the broken parts and put them together just like a jigsaw. Despite the miles between us, the distance is nothing when in email or PM.

It's not a case of being made of strong stuff, it's a case of living having to go on despite the S*** it has thrown at me. Short of laying down and dying (and believe me I have been there too) there is nothing else for me. I had a period after the accident that crippled my nephew where I just wanted to die. After Suzy left, I hit rock bottom and suffered an almost complete breakdown. I have to admit that suicide crossed my mind. Then a colleague came to visit me one day and told me that he viewed suicide as being the "coward" who actually did the act because the brave person was the one who decided not to commit suicide but decided to stay and fight.

So, with the help of Jilly in NZ, she has got me through Suzy leaving, my newphew dying, my own health problems and recently my Uncle dying.

I perhaps did a little bit too - as I had to read her posts and then fight on but together we made it. So thanks Jilly - again!

[Jilly]

Awwww....
Well the simple fact of it is... I WONT let Gary give up!!! heehee! 

Like I keep telling ya Gary... If you make me get on that damn plane....there will be trouble!!!! 

[Andy]

To add my experiences in answer to your questions.  I was married at time of my injury and the marriage didn't survive the life changing injuries I had suffered.  I had a hard time adjusting to my 'new' life in the first 18months after leaving hospital.  Although my ex-wife actually started an adultrous relationship before we even talked about a split I actually think she did me a big favour in the long run because it was the split that bought me back into wanting a life for myself again, and the realisation that I'd have to sort it myself for it to happen. 

Then out of the blue I met Sally who accepted me for who I was and we very soon becam soulmates and spent 6 wonderful years together until her very untimely and tragic death in 2005 at just 34 years of age   I will always cherish those six years and now looking back feel very fortunate to have been with Sal for so long.  Withut my injury and divorce I would never have met her, I used to say to her that if I could turn the clock back to before my injury I wouldn't as I would have missed meeting her 

I haven't ruled out meeting someone else in the future but won't try and force it to happen either,  I believe there is someone else to share my life and certainly wouldn't consider it entrappment.

I liked the story from Jude about rome and amsterdam, quite a profound analogy 

[Gary Anderson]

I have not actually ruled out settling down either. I used entrapment because it was the question was "what if they WANT to be trapped."

However, as a side note, I have to add that when I was with Suzy, in addition to the problems my accident threw at us there was also her parents. A side note to all of this is how many of you who have children would actually want to see your son or daughter marry someone who was severely disabled.

My memory problems are such that this actually escaped me when I was making my initial post. Suzy's Mum wanted her to have the big wedding with the "normal" bridegroom "walking" down the aisle with her not the other side of the coin with the bridegroom either on sticks on in a chair.

Even now, on the occasions when I do meet the opposite sex, I find it extremely embarrassing when it comes to "home vists." Why? Because the parents "assume" that I will be able bodied. So, naturally, when they discover the underlying problems that come with me, the icing sort of melts.

Sorry if folks dont agree with this but the sad fact is that parents want their children to make good marriages and that means marrying someone who is fit and healthy. Despite our love, her folks were of the view that if was bad enough if illness hit when you were married for a while without knowingly going into a relationship knowing that serious illness was there.

May not be the case for everyone but certainly was for me. So, that is why, I wont be in a rush to "try again."

[Jude]

Sorry Gary!!

I used the word "trapped", as you'd already mentioned that you didn't want to feel as though you'd trapped a partner/spouse!!

In all honesty, as a parent myself, I can see where you're coming from about parents wanting the best for their children! We'd be lying if we said otherwise!! I think, if any of my sons came home and told me they'd fallen in love with someone disabled, I'd have my concerns too!! Anyone would!! However, I'd rather see them with someone who they truly loved, and who truly loved them in return, regardless!!

My estranged hubby,sadly, is homophobic, and I once asked him how he would feel if one of his sons came home and announced he was Gay??!!...I was appalled when he told me that he'd disown them......Love, in my book, is unconditional, and as long as THEY were happy, that would be all that mattered to me...

I suppose, in our youth, we've all been guilty of being shallow, and wanting to be seen with the best looking guy/girl, but do looks, physical attributes make someone a better/nicer person??...I don't think so!!!

As Andy has already said, whilst the break up of his marriage must've been a huge blow to him, and his injury devestating, without them he would never have met his beloved Sal.....

"Amsterdam & Rome" scenario again!!!...Not what you hoped for, perhaps, but Rome may have not been what you'd dreamed of afterall, and by going there, you'd have missed everything that Amsterdam has to offer!!!

[Jude]

Ooops!!!

Forgot to mention Jilly!!!

Friendships are such a precious gift, and I guard mine with a passion!!! Sometimes the hand of friendship is offered from total strangers, but somehow gives us the strength we need to carry on. No matter from which source that hand is offered, take it...hold onto it...nurture it and be thankful that there ARE people out there who care!!

God Bless Jilly!! (Tempted to say, "and all who sail in her", at this point, but I have a warped sense of humour - sorry!!) 

[Gary Anderson]

Yep! The true bond of frienship is very strong. Mind you, my old Scots Granny used to say "never let the candle of hope go out Gary. Always remember the end is not hopeless but hope is endless."

I can but go on hoping until then, I'll settle for my morning PMs from across the water. After all, having been a statistic twice, I dont want a three and you're out.

For what it is worth. My parents agree with you Jude - they only want what is best for their children. As any parent would. However, nobody wrote a book on what to do when "normal" is "different."

It aint my spinal problems that are a hindrance at the moment - it is the brain ones.

Still, my Dad who was a Padre, says "per ardua adastra" The RAF Motto - through hardship to the stars."

[Jude]

Still, my Dad who was a Padre, says "per ardua adastra" The RAF Motto - through hardship to the stars."

Oh!!!! So you're an ex- RAF "brat", too??!!!!!

[Jilly]

Ooops!!!

God Bless Jilly!! (Tempted to say, "and all who sail in her", at this point, but I have a warped sense of humour - sorry!!) 

Heehee! Ohhh... more lavish praise!!!! careful - I can feel my head swelling again!!! with regards to the warped sense of humor all I can do about that is breathe a big sigh of relief!!! heehee... If its as bent as mine you will fit in here very well!

[Gary Anderson]

Not quite, Dad decided to enter the ministry full time whilst he was serving with the RAF before he met Mum and before "us lot" came along.

[Jude]

Ah!!! LOL..My Dad got "Life"!!!!! 

[friendlyblondmom]

I am able-bodied and I met my now husband post injuries. My husband did try and put me off. Push me away. He feels that because of his injury he is not loveable. That he could never really be a whole man and that he cant fulfil me. He worries all the time about being enough.  I worried someone with being able to care for him since I also have a small daughter as well. I was 100% fully aware of his limitations. I however was under the impression before we got married that he was very interested in being intimate and wanted an active sex life. Sorry if this is taboo. We waited till we were married to be intimate adn it has been such a struggle. He feels worthless and feels like he dosn't please me and has lost interest and we've only been married 2 months. I worry about what the future will bring for us. He keeps me out because he feels he already burdens me with his physical care  that he dosn't want to burden me with his emotional care. Honestly I love caring for him. I feel so close to him but its hurting us that he keeps me out. I don't feel like it is a burden. Its been quite the change for me. But I love him and i feel like we are meant to be together ... Jake was always worried I'd leave him, that it wasn't for real. His family faught us being together to the end. The didn't support us until after we were married and they saw how good of care i was giving him. Its been this roller coaster of emotions, and fears and hurt and love and beautifulness....... I heard a country song one time say....."Life anin't always beautiful but its a beautiful ride" I love that.... I worry about our marriage I worry he will always keep me out. When I try and discuss things with him he says he thinks if he were dead I'd be better off....this breaks my heart. He is always like I'm a bad husband I should be better, everything is my fault.....I don't know how to help him with this emotions and feelings of inadiquacy. He has been a quad almost all his life. Since the age of 3 and he is now 28.  I worry about how this is effecting our marriage. If you want to talk more in private I would love that. Its hard to find someone who can help me.....

xoxo

laura 

[Jilly]

Hi Laura,
PM 'comin your way!!! 

[Andy]

thanks jilly

[Gary Anderson]

I've sent you a message too.

[XHopeBrookesX]

Jude

Having been a member here for ages, I have no secrets from my forum colleagues.

I was involved in a train crash around 18/19 years ago which resulted in me suffering from a cauda equina injury and the resultant damage to the neves which leave the cord at this point has left me able to walk - after a fashion.

Anyroads, at the time of the accident I was happily married, however, to cut a long story short, when the docs thought I was going to be permanently wheelchair bound my wife told me that she could not cope with me in a situation like that, so the end result was we split up and divorced.

Years later, I met another partner and thought that this "was it." I was with Suzy for ages until fate decided to step in. I was involved in a very serious accident that crippled my nephew (he died as a result of his injuries) I suffered broken limbs and serious head injuries that for a while threatened to snuff out what life I had.

The road to recovery and health (I say that tongue in cheek) was a long one. Taking its toll on everyone. Suzy was a lively young woman with hopes and dreams like everyone else. Unfortunately, her hopes and dreams were not the same as mine. the accident left me on the brink of a complete nervous breakdown, the head injuries have left me prone to headahces and mood swings such as I have never known before, it also took its toll on my already poor mobility.

Suzy wanted a family and I was earmed to be the father of her kids. However, after the accident, I can only take children in small doses. My injuries mean that I could en up losing an arm, I have lived wiht that since the accident. So, for that reason, I did not want to have children, as the toll on my partner would be immense. Coping with babies and me too.

When I told Suzy this, she decided that it was time for a "break" to let me recover. I let her go. What else could I do. If I am going to end up in a wheelchair with only one arm, then the last thing I want to do is feel that I have "trapped" my partner.

Now, I know everyone is different and I appreciate that, however, these are MY thoughts from 2 failed relationships. As a result, I have all but given up hope that at 49 someone is going to come falling out of the sky into my lap. I doubt very much taht I would marry now even if someone came along. My injuries are too complex and despite what everyone says, I would feel like I was trapping someone. I would far rather be cared for by a home carer than feel that I had trapped my partner/spouse.

I dont know if this is what you wnat to read Jude but you did ask and I will always blame getting on a train instead of a bus 19 years ago for the berak up of my marriage. At the end of the day, my wife just could not cope with the thought of having a completely disabled husband. Now, all these years later as a doctor, I can understand why. She is happily married with a family and I am glad for her.

As for Susy, It is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.

That was so upseting to read to think that someones mobility could break a relationship , I always thought that if its true love then the person would love there spouse no matter what dont you ever think that it could have been anything to push her of the edge? I mean like if she really was committed to you wouldnt she have stayed? like maybe she wasnt good enough for you to start with? plus you said you see it as trapping someone when if the person loves you and you love them then you both have to make sacrifises for each other so you wouldnt be traping any one if they willingly want to be there for you. I gues maybe I dont understand fully and not everyones like me but if i was me them having an accident wouldnt change anything about how i prevously felt about tht person. My bestfriend Kaci is a T8 nd she has been injured a year and a half now even thought she isnt the same person she was before the accident like she hardly talks to me and she is not very nice alot of the time , even though i dont know what shes going through and i dont fully understand there is nothing on this earth that would push me away from her or make me leave her were as all our friends act like she doesnt exist anymore i just think it depends on the time of  people we fall inlove with or the time of people we are friends with what ever the situation.

Hope Brookes.

[Gary Anderson]

Hi Hope
Welcome to the forums.
Yep! I agree my story is sad, however,it is true. Everyone is entitled to live life they way they want and do the things they want to. My experience is very personal to me and whilst not reflective of everyone I have to admit that as a doctor most able bodied want to marry able bodied - they want to be able to run, hike, do whathever they enjoy, I don't have a problem with that at all.

Now, at 50, I have a catalogue of injuries that to be honest, I would not expect any woman to accept me and them as well.

To be very honest, if I had a daughter, I would do all I could to try and stop her marrying someone like me. It is bad enough if you get serious injury once you are married a while. However, I come with a load of other things that make relationships hard.

I am glad you are there for your best friend. I presume you are female. That is different. I have male friends who have stood by me since my first accident. However, I am expecting someone of the opposite sex to be everything to me that a wife is but also the nursing/caring part too.

[XHopeBrookesX]

Hi Hope
Welcome to the forums.
Yep! I agree my story is sad, however,it is true. Everyone is entitled to live life they way they want and do the things they want to. My experience is very personal to me and whilst not reflective of everyone I have to admit that as a doctor most able bodied want to marry able bodied - they want to be able to run, hike, do whathever they enjoy, I don't have a problem with that at all.

Now, at 50, I have a catalogue of injuries that to be honest, I would not expect any woman to accept me and them as well.

To be very honest, if I had a daughter, I would do all I could to try and stop her marrying someone like me. It is bad enough if you get serious injury once you are married a while. However, I come with a load of other things that make relationships hard.

I am glad you are there for your best friend. I presume you are female. That is different. I have male friends who have stood by me since my first accident. However, I am expecting someone of the opposite sex to be everything to me that a wife is but also the nursing/caring part too.

Aww wow thank you for welcoming me and I totaly get what you mean, I personaly dont really look at someones i duno mental or phisicical capabilities or how ever is the correct words maybe im simple minded i  gues i always thought if you cared about someone what ever they came with i gues you deal with it togetha but in this society what is exeptable to some ppl vary i gues, i totaly understand what you mean now thank you for the insight tho like you said they would wanna run and hike n stuf but there are other things that can replace them that are just as good i thought. hmm wow this site is awsum im already learning lots of knew things its fantastic. ive spoke to one person so far called welsh and shes so fantastic shes really helpful too

i think this site will realy answer alot of my questions woooop

Plus thanks for your comment i understand alot more now

[Hope Brookes]
T

[Jilly]

Hi Hope
Wouldnt it be nice if love lasted forever no matter what! Sadly in the real world this doesnt always happen. Major disasters can happen that change everything.

I understand Garys opinion regarding relationships with disabled people succeeding or not and I know his reasons.  In my opinion... people are all made differently, you can either handle it or you cant. I do agree however that the relationship and the caring part should be kept separate if at all possible.

Ive been in a relationship with a disabled man which failed because of reasons that had nothing to do with his disability. Ive also been a caregiver and know how hard that can be too.

I believe it isnt always necessary to have that intimate life partner to be happy. Friendships that are built on a solid foundation can be as equally important, and in the long run I think thats how most intimate relationships end up.

[DavesMom]

Hi Everyone,
 Jude, I love that Amsterdam and Rome story as well. And I think it is true. If we learn to focus on the positive and good things then we don't focus on the negatives.

My 31 year old son has a T-5 sci complete injury. He is only home 2 months after being in shock trauma for 4 months and rehab for 2. He is the same loving person he was before the accident. He has a wonderful sense of humor and a heart as big as his whole body. I can't help but believe one day he will meet someone that will look past his paralysis and see him for the person he is. I think there are people out there that don't look at it as being trapped but as sharing. I told David when he realized he was paralyzed that he is still the same person he always was. His legs don't define him but his loving nature does. Love for another person doesn't or shouldn't go away just because of an injury or because life as they know it has changed. If it does I can't imagine it was real love at all.

Everything comes in time.
DavesMom, Diane

[Jilly]

Hi DavesMom,
The guy I was in a relationship is T5. We are still friends but I dont see much of him these days. He recently got an Argo (its a type of amphibian, all terrain vehicle) and is busy going fishing in it!

Like Hopes friend, its early days yet for your son, and he has a lot to learn, but yes, the legs not working doesnt affect the ability to be in a serious relatioship! In time Im sure this will happen for him too. Lots of women (and men) look past the disability and see the wonderful person behind it.