Romance!!??

[gzarnke]

I like Dave's Mom would like to think that my son will someday have a loving relationship.  Jilly you are right as to being very close friends is just as important if not more so, in the end I would like my son to find that friendship with a women, and I have no doudts he will as he has always gotten along with the ladies.

My son has told me he does not want to get married for the same reasons as Gary has stated, he also has said he does not like himself now so how could anyone else!  He still has time he needs to heal but he is getting better every month.

I have met so many young men and middle age men with a sci and they all date and they all say they do not want to marry.

In the end I agree with Jilly a loving friendship is the most important.

gz

[Gary Anderson]

Why oh why does everyone seem to think relationships are the be all and end all of life?

I have commented on this several times over the years.

Having now survived 2 major accidents with severely disabling and limiting injuries both times I can now say that having reached the age of 50 I have accepted that marriage will not happen for me.

How can I honestly expect sometome to enter into a relationship knowing that I come with a hotch potch of things that all cause problems.

So, for me, I would prefer to have a friendship with someone than an in depth relationship.

I personally know somebody who was left to be carer for their spouse after 30 years of marriage. This person says that the reason their relationship survived was because they had had so many good years prior to the accident. However, the accident has put a huge strain on things. Why? Because the spouse is now the nurse/carer/babysitter to the other half who needs 24 hour care. Their spousely duties have taken a back seat.

I say, enjoy life and forget about marriage and children. If it happens it happens and if it does not then you have to accept it. Which is what I am trying to do.

Yes, I still love Suzy and always will however, it was because I loved her so much that I let her go.

[Scotsgal]

Although my disability is non SCI, having been a disabled woman for over twenty years I feel my story may be pertinent..
Before becoming ill I was a student and was pleased to receive a fair amount of male attention down the students union disco on a friday night - then all of a sudden my illness struck. No more discos. No more male attention. End of.
Over the next couple of years no blokes my age came near but I did make a number of friendships with older men [in their mid to late 30s mostly] - these people were mature enough to see I was still a person despite my disability. I nearly formed a relationship with one of these men but then I had quite a good period of remission in my health and he emotionally fell to bits - he had needed me to be ill so he could have someone to care for  - I had never heard of codependency before but soon the friendship was over.
I was then able to work for a few short months and soon met "C", it's here I relate to Gary's comments in this thread - other people used to say things behind my back to him, "Find yourself a fit, healthy ablebodied girl... Alison will never manage to bare you children, keep house, cook for you, take care of you..." It really hurt ! "C" was undeterred but we split up shortly after my health sharply deteriorated, albeit for an unrelated reason.
For several years I was virtually housebound and rarely able to even sit up in a wheelchair to go out. It was pre-internet days so I became isolated but did run a small penfriend group for other sufferers of my condition. Through this group, after some years without so much as a date, I was pursued romantically by a man from Australia. I was flaattered and overwhelmed that somebody actually wanted me and when, on a visit to the Uk he proposed I was very happy to say yes. To cut a long story short, the ink was not even dry on the wedding certificate when he began using extreme physical violence against me and I had to flee to a women's refuge. An older, very wise friend told me I had been groomed, he had wanted a vulnerable young woman to be his wife, and she blamed my lack of experience with men, caused by the isolation of my illness for my inability to notice before it was too late.
After this I was too emotionally damaged to think about dating anyone for over five years then I got a computer and everything changed !
I met a variety of new friends, male and female through a site which seems no longer to exist for people with all disabilities. Through the friendship page I met "M", a paraplegic whose wife had just left him. We emailed, phoned, met up a few times and before I knew what had happened we were an item ! We were together for three and a half years before he decided he no longer "fancied" me and asked to be just friends. We've remained close friends to this day and I'm so thankful he came into my life to teach me how to live and love and trust again.
Shortly after our break up , I decided to venture into the world of disability dating websites and after a few disappointments met my cuurrent boyfriend who has the same medical condition as I have.
I've come to the conclusion over the years that, as a disabled woman, I have a preference for dating men who are also significantly disabled - to me the emotional balance of power is more equal in such a relatiionship. That's not to say I'm knocking relationships where one partner is disabled and the other ablebodied, indeed many of my friends are in such, and very happy relatiionships. Me and AB men just never seem to work out, plus I've learnt I'm a fiercely independent character who doesn't like being cared for and being able to do nothing in return !
That's my tuppence worth and I hope it's been a positive contribution to the discussion...
Alison x